Headship (4)

As an aside, I wonder if the church has contributed to the modern focus on gender identity, by pushing forward narrowly-defined roles for men and women. In the stereotypical roles that the church has propagated, a husband is supposed to be physically and emotionally strong and provide for his family. A woman is supposed to be gentle and kind, and care for her children. However, many men and women have personalities that do not fit these stereotypes. This can make them ambivalent about their role.

A man who is physically weak and gentle is often called “effeminate”. A woman who is physically and emotionally strong and enjoys her employment is often called “manly”. Therefore, it is not surprising that people who do not fit the gender roles emphasised by the church feel like they need to change their gender. Christian definitions of manhood and femininity are too narrow, and much narrower than God used when creating men and women. He has designed a huge variety into what it means to be a man, and what it means to be women. We should accept what God has done, rather than condemning people because they do not fit a narrow mould that we have defined.

We need a much broader understanding of what it means to be a man or a woman. I am physically weaker than most men. I have never managed to do more than two proper press-ups in a row. I was the slowest runner in my class at school. I hated fighting. We did military cadets at high school. Most of the boys loved marching around with guns, but I hated it, and found a way to avoid participating. I enjoyed reading Anne of Green Gables and Pride and Prejudice. I cry at sad movies. I am different from many men, but I have never thought of my self of anything other than a man.

I believe that we need much more room for people to be different. Creation shows that God likes variety, so we allow people to be different if he made them different.

Headship and Prayer (3) Variety

Some say that headship means that fathers have primary responsibility for discipline, (especially when husband and wife disagree). I am not sure about this. We need to be very careful when defining male and female roles that we don’t go beyond the scriptures. The New Testament seems to define attitudes and behaviours, but says very little about different roles for husbands and wives.

One reason seems to be that God has created both men and women with a huge variety in personality and character. So, when two people marry, there will not be a one-size-fits-all definition of roles that will work for them. We must be careful about assuming that what will work for the average couple will fit everyone.

For example, on average men are physically stronger than women. But there is a huge variation in strength between men, and also between women; and massive overlap. The result is that some men will be married to women who have much greater physical strength than they do. For these couples, it may not be practical to say that “the husband should cut the wood”.

The same applies to nurturing. I think it can be shown statistically that on average women are more nurturing than men. However, there is great variation in nurturing ability between men, and also between women, and huge overlap between men and women. This means that some men will be stronger on nurturing that their wives. These couples will need to think carefully about their roles to make sure that they take full advantage of their different giftings.

The same applies to the discipline of children. Many women find discipline difficult because they are kind and caring. On the other hand, some men are too harsh. That is why Paul warned fathers not to embitter their children or exasperate them (Col 3:21; Eph 6:4). Most couples will find that the discipline of children goes better when they do it together, using their complementary skills. However, it also depends on the personality and the character of the couple.

I know couples where the husband is quieter and gentle, so he finds the discipline of children hard. The wife tends to set the boundaries because she is emotionally tougher. This seems to work for some parents, so we should be careful about judging, just because they have different personalities.

There are two things that husbands cannot do: carry a pregnancy and breastfeed a baby, so women need to undertake these two roles, (although some cannot). However, if the wife is not very good at nurturing, and the husband is better at it, there is no reason why the man cannot care for the young children. Couples should work out what is best for them, giving their combination of personality and character.

Provision of income is an interesting case. The traditional view is that when their family is young, the father should be the provider, while the mother cares for the children. This works for many couples, but the personalities of some couples may be such that the traditional approach does not work.

If the husband is artistic, the couple might decide that he should concentrate on his art, even though it does not pay well, because that is his calling. If the wife is capable, she might be more effective as an income earner. The woman in Proverbs 31 seemed to be an astute manager of the family business. If she has the skills, it is good that she gets the opportunity to use them.

God is far more concerned that we achieve our full potential as people, than that we fit with preconceived roles.

Headship and Prayer (2)

Understanding the meaning of the word “head” in 1 Cor 11:3 is quite difficult.

I want you to understand that Christ is the head of every man, and the man is the head of a woman, and God is the head of Christ.

Paul uses the word head in a variety of ways, and it is not clear which one fits in this passage. Whatever meaning is chosen must also apply to the relationship between Jesus and God, and most suggested meanings don’t. We must be particularly careful that we don’t choose a meaning that makes Jesus subordinate to God, (because we already know that he is God).

I am intrigued that men are more concerned about the meaning of headship than women. I wonder if that is because men begin with a presumption that being the head of the women gives them a power advantage. The desire of disciples to sit at Jesus’ right hand in power has not died (Mark 10:36-37). One thing is certain, headship does not mean that men have power over women.

Jesus headship must be understood in terms of 1 Corinthians 12 where Paul describes the church as a body with many parts. Each part must be fulfilling its role. Paul says that the more unseemly parts of the body should be given greater honour (1 Cor 12:21-26).

A body cannot function without a head, so the head and the parts of the body are inseparable. In the same way, a husband and wife must be inseparable, with nothing being allowed to divide their communication and unity.

I sense that the main thing that being the head of his wife gives a husband is accountability to God. This is clearer in the Old Testament. God sometimes to hold men accountable for the mistakes of their wives (Num 30:10-15). Moses described a situation where a husband must bear his wife’s guilt, in the same way that Jesus carries our guilt.

He shall bear her guilt (Num 30:15).

This suggests that if a woman goes wrong, it is possibly because the husband is the problem. Maybe he is not wise enough or loving his wife enough.

Headship and Prayer (1)

Husbands and wives are required to submit to each other (Eph 5:21). A husband who loves his wife will often need to submit to her will.

When they submit to each other, they give each other authority in their lives. This means that their prayers for each other are extremely effective. This is why mutual submission is so important.

A man who controls his wife makes her prayers ineffective because she has no authority in his life. Given how women pray for their families, that is a mistake.

I am always uneasy when a man says, “A husband has authority over his wife” because it goes beyond what the scriptures say. It often means that the husband is imposing his authority on his wife by moral force. In the biblical model, a man only has as much authority as his wife gives to him. Therefore, it is meaningless to say where the balance of authority lies. If the husband is imposing his authority over his wife, her prayers are nullified, because he denies her authority in her life. If he is imposing his authority severely, then 1 Pet 3:7 says that his prayers will not be answered because his attitude is wrong.

If a wife is fully submitted to her husband due to love, and he loves her and sacrifices his life for her, as required, they will be operating by consensus. Their wills will be one. In that situation, it does not make sense to say that one has more authority than the other. Their prayers are strong, because they have authority over each other, and two people have agreed.

In his letter to the Corinthians, Paul confirms the power of mutual submission.

The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife (1 Cor 7:4).

These are strong words. A wife has authority over the body of her husband. This allows her to control his actions because he acts through his body. The wife cannot control what her husband thinks. People are free to think as they choose. But a wife can constrain the way that her husband acts because she has authority over his body. In the same way, the husband has authority over his wife’s body.

Mutual submission makes prayer powerful.