Strategic Survival Personality

I grew up on a farm in a rural area, so when I was old enough to go to high school, I was sent to a boarding school in Timaru so that I could get a better education. I hated life at the boarding school and was glad to get out when I reached an age where I could leave school.

Boarding school was an odd place for a young person to live. A small group of popular boys really enjoyed it (it is hard to say what made them popular). Another group of boys really hated it because they were bullied intensely, usually because they were a bit different. I was in the large middle group who got by without being noticed. However, I understood how easy it was for a boy to drop into the bottom group, so the middle group was a precarious place to be.

The bullying was mostly low-level. Verbal insults were frequent. Sometimes when you went to bed and night, you would find that someone had put leaves or branches in your bed. Occasionally, an older boy would thump you on the shoulder while you were waiting in line to enter the dining room. I was good with words, so I probably deserved some of the stuff that happened when I was smart to bigger boys.

I coped with life by taking refuge in the school library and spending all my free time there. I loved reading and found an endless supply of good books to read. The “tough boys” did not go near the library, because they were scared of books, so it was a really safe to be. However, by escaping in this way, I probably cut myself off from other people and became a bit of a recluse.

A few years ago, I heard Nick Duffell talk about Boarding Schools and Strategic Survival Personality. He was explaining how many politicians like Boris Johnston lost their empathy by being sent to Eton at the age of 8 or 9. His talk rang a bell with me. I took the following notes

When a boy goes to boarding school,
his relationships with parents, siblings and friends are broken.
He leaves a place of safety,
a cocoon of peace
and is forced to be independent.
He develops a pseudo-self-sufficiency.
He makes all decisions, and solves all problems himself.

Boarding school is a dangerous place.
You never know when bullies will hit.
They are insecure, so they find a place by striking out at those who are weak.
The way to be safe
is to be untouchable.

Boys learn quickly not to show any vulnerability;
don’t show any weakness
don’t show any vulnerability
don’t show any anger,
because that encourages the bullies.
Don’t let them know that they have got at you.
Shut down your emotions.
Many lose any ability to have empathy,
which makes them bad leaders.

I escaped to the library. I read book after book after book. Bullies never went there, so the library was my safe place.

Friendships at boarding school tend to be shallow, but there is safety in numbers. I had three friends. We walked to class and assemblies together, waited in line for meals together, because it kept us safe (that was unspoken). But we never shared our fears, or our dreams, because that would be too risky, so my friendships did not last beyond school.

Duffell put survivors into three categories.

• Compliers – they say that boarding school was the best years of their lives. The self-sufficiency and emotional detachment got them to where they are, so they will not criticise the place that gave it to them.

• Crushed – Some children are badly damaged. They were often emotionally or physically abused.

• Rebels – They tend to become anti-establishment. I think that I fell into the rebel category. I never accepted the authority of the housemasters and prefects, because I did not respect them. I am not sure how much anti-establishment baggage I still carry.

From Past to Future.