Election Connoisseur

Life was simple under George W Bush. Democracy was to the solution every problem in the world, so everyone could just get on with it.

But things have changed. Any old election will no longer do. These days an election has to be signed off by John Kerry, before it is valid.

The world should be grateful for this godlike man, who can assess the quality of an election anywhere in the world without leaving Washington.

• The election in Crimea was bad, because it happened before the US democracy builders good get their.

• The election in East Ukraine was bad, because people who can only speak Russian do not deserve a vote.

• The presidential election in Egypt was good, despite being manipulated by the military, because Sisi is a man who will do what the US wants.

• The presidential election in the Ukraine was good, because the people voted for the person hand-picked by Ambassador Nuland.

• The election in Syria is bad, because the Islamic terrorists opposing President Assad did not get a chance to vote.

• The election in Afghanistan is good, despite the Pashtun people being disenfranchised, because the people elected can be trusted cream off US aid.

All this would be really confusing if we did not have John Kerry to tell us which elections are good and which are bad.

The Australian government is currently paralysed and GDP is declining, because Kerry has not yet given his verdict on the election of Tony Abbott.

New Zealand has an election later this year. A German millionaire, wanted by the FBI for ripping of the masters of Hollywood, is funding a minor political party. I hope that Kerry will give our elections his tick, despite the shenanigans.