Silence Speaks

I am on vacation and the news coverage is not very good. As far as I can tell, something like this happened towards the end of 2008. George had been holed up at Crawford working on a solution to the global economic crisis. He hates failure, so he could not bear the thought of handing over to Obama before the problem was solved. Time was running out, so he needed something good real quick.

“I’ve got it”, he said to Dick and Condi at breakfast one day just before Christmas. “The economists all say that the Great Depression was cured by the Second World War. We need another war.”

“You can’t start a war without asking Obama first”, said Condi, “and he won’t give approval.”

“What about Iraq?” said Dick. “Couldn’t we just stir it up again?”

“No!” said George, abruptly, looking pleased with himself. “I’ve got a much better idea. Far better to get one of our fully-owned subsidiaries to start the war. That way we get the benefits, without copping the blame.”

“The Israelis are itching for another war. Since they got a bleeding nose in Lebanon, they have been looking someone easier to beat, so they can prove their masculinity. And there is an election coming up. You can’t win an election in Israel without winning a war first. They’ll be up for it.”

“Oh No!” cried Condi. “Not Iran. Think about the price of oil. Think about your shares in Texacon.”

“No", snapped George, “this is much better than that. They are going to attack Gaza. This is perfect. The Palestinians are all terrorists now, so they need to be beaten down. Who cares if a few of them die? They are descendants of Ishmael, so they won’t feel pain anyway.”

“Anyone who seeks peace in the Middle East might be the antichrist, so no one will seriously oppose Israel. Jimmy Carter might get stirred up, but he is to old to be the antichrist”.

“Just think of the benefits.” George was getting eloquent now. “Every bomb and missile dropped on Gaza will have to be replaced by the US armaments industry. A boom in that industry will solve unemployment in the rust belt".

“Some people are saying that the Israelis haven’t got the guts for a ground invasion, but I told them to have a crack. If they go in on the ground, they are sure to wreck hundreds of tanks and armoured vehicles that will have to be replaced by Government Motors. If GM can be kept busy producing military vehicles, the auto industry will soon be running at full throttle again.”

The evangelicals will be pleased”, said Condi, ”because a war over there always brings the second coming closer. Think about that. They will be raptured out before their Adjustable Rate Mortgages re-set at higher interest rates. Another perfect solution”.

“Wow!” said Dick. “That’s brilliant. Those bunker bombs we sold the Israelis will wreck hundreds of apartment buildings and offices. The UN will have to replace them, so Halliburton will get some great contracts. This work could get the US construction industry going up again”

“God will be happy to see the Israelis give those Philistines another hammering”, said George smiling.

“Don’t you mean Palestinians”, said Condi.

“Whatever?” George replied. “He will still be pleased. Remember how Karl Rove said that it is expedient for one people to die so that the entire world economy does not perish”.

“Hold on” said Dick, getting practical. “Where will the money come from?”

“Don’t worry about that”, said George replied. “Hank has $500 billion left over from rescuing the banks. It’s a waste of time giving any more to them, because they just add it to their reserves and sit on it. That helps no one.”

“Think about this. We give those billions to the Israelis. They use it to buy missiles and bombs from our armaments industry. The armaments people pay their staff, who will go to Walmart and spend billions on Easter presents made in China. Walmart pay billions to the Chinese manufacturing industries to replace what they have sold. The Chinese government creams most of it off the top and puts $500 billion into US treasuries”.

"That’s brilliant", said Condi. “We solve our unemployment, and kick start the Chinese economy, and the money ends up back with Hank where it started".

“If the world economy needs more stimulus”, added George, “we can get the Israelites to cut off food, water and electricity to the Gaza penitentiary and get them stirred up to do something stupid, so Israel can pummel them all over again. We can play pass the parcel with the $500 billions until the world economy is really humming. That’s better than giving it to those dreadful banks.

“Keynes claimed the best way to end a depression is to buy hundred dollar bills in the sand and let people search for them. I thought about that option, but it would make us look stupid. Burying people in the sands of Gaza is far more acceptable.”

“But what will all that violence and blood do the spirit of the Israeli people”, Condi wonder out loud, but no one seemed to hear.

“The icing on the cake”, said Dick, “is that we win the war of terror. The problem with Iraq is that people have started to believe that suicide bombers and IEDs create more terror than our best military equipment. If we can get some good footage out of Gaza, people everywhere will see that F16s launching US-made bunker bombs can create more for terror than a towelhead with dynamite strapped to his chest. We will prove once and for all that we can create more terror than those bloody Arabs. That will stop them mocking us”.

We could call it Mutually Assured Terror”, said Condi, going into academic mode. ”Soon terrorising governments all over the world will be knocking down our door wanting our weapons of mass terror.”

“Sounds Mad”, said George, “but my presidency will end on a high note. I began it by bringing peace and prosperity to Iraq. I will end it by solving the world economic crisis. Eat that Osama”

“You mean Obama” said Condi, but no one noticed.

"And make sure its all finished before the inauguration", said George. "The image of the presidency must not be tarnished".